If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
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CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
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Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
i’m gonna allow it
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Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: