Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
You Might Also Like
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]