If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
When I was a manager in Greggs, I told the other staff that I was also a sausage roll quality tester, because HQ said the sausage rolls are their star product and must be perfect. I had one free from every batch that was made. There is no sausage roll quality tester position.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?