If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
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I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.