If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
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LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
✌🏽
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE