4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.