@jonlovett

If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?

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@BuckyIsotope

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

@facciabella

An astronaut squirrel, a snail that meows, crab with a whale as a daughter. Dear creators of spongebob, pass the drugs.

@TheHatStore

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

@Prof_Hinkley

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

@WritePlay

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

@FU_TangClan

Jigsaw: I want to play a game

Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games

Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG

@wildethingy

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

@internetluke

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha