ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?
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My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
An astronaut squirrel, a snail that meows, crab with a whale as a daughter. Dear creators of spongebob, pass the drugs.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”
– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
“Yous ain’t passin’!” – Gandolfini
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
My wife: So… how are you?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha