If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
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I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.