If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
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Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I’m offering a new service for billionaires to visit the OceanGate Titan sub wreckage for the low, low price of $250,000.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
found my next D&D character name
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.