If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
boat question
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.