Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

HOW DARE YOU

Someone had to say it 🤷‍♂️

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?

Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least