Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

Kids are like mosquitoes…

…when they stop making a noise, start worrying

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

If the sun is so hot how come it’s single

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

WAITER: questions about the menu?

ME: is it recycled paper?

WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it

ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u

interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”

me:

interviewer:

me: you don’t remember me do you?

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.