Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

[autopsy]

Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

6: I hate corona virus!

Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.

6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”