@HumbleBeastDre

If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.

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@Gupton68

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

@DanMentos

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

@TheDizzyBeauty

Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?

@AaronLinguini

*demon tries to inhabit my body*
Demon: OUCH
Me: yeah…
Demon: WHAT THE HELL
Me: I know
Demon: EVERYTHING HURTS, WHY?? AND WHATS WRONG WITH THIS SHOULDER???
Me: idk man, can I offer you a mint?

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today

Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)

Wife: I heard that

@T_Bonezzz_

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

@ladybroseph

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

@ThisOneSayz

American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!