If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.