If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
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🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Better luck next time champ
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I have no passwords left in me
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.