“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
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The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
LA today:
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.