If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
You Might Also Like
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
everyone’s a critic
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so