Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”

*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Not looking for a sugar daddy, but something more of a pay pal.

I have obtained a hat

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

“A little help here, Danny?”

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.

It tastes good and that’s all that matters.

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

rapatouille

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.