If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
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VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
When you’re Kinky but poor
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.