For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
You Might Also Like
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Bless you
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?