waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
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I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back