If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
You Might Also Like
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
plant them where lol
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*