If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”