Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

I would move hell over six inches for you

Peace was never an option

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

Friend: My car is making a weird noise

Me: Have you tried essential oils?

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.

I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.

To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:

That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged

Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days