Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

Just reading a story about the RAF having to scramble some fighter jets, and all I could think was “imagine the size of the saucepan they had to use”.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

My phone just filmed a 2 hour documentary about life inside my purse

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?

Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.

You should be glad.

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.