Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.