robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
If we get pulled over this beer is yours.
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Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Waitress: Do you want toast?
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Dad Dragon: If we weren’t supposed to eat them they wouldn’t come w plates and toothpicks now finish ur damn knight
Teen Dragon: I hate you
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
This is the coolest video you will see today.