I hate my earbuds.
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I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
they split up moments later
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
😆this is so true
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out