@kcmoore51

If we get pulled over this beer is yours.

– Dads

You Might Also Like

@FredTaming

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

@callmeEvian

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

@MeetYourDaddy

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

@chrisdelia

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

@heyevergreen

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

@tomwalkerisgood

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

@iamspacegirl

Dad Dragon: If we weren’t supposed to eat them they wouldn’t come w plates and toothpicks now finish ur damn knight

Teen Dragon: I hate you

@BeijingPalmer

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

@pilau

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?