“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
You Might Also Like
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂