Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”

“Any sides?”

“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

My safe word is extra cheese

…in queso emergency.

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.