If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
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Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Twitter is an abusement park.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My whole life was a lie.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.