If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
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Bruh
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
*praying for world peace*
God:
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
