If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
*puts cutlery down*
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.