Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.