Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal