If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
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According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
hi why am I like this
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Here to help
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
😎 🍻
