If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
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My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
multitasking lunch
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
This is Sparta
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.