If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
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jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.