Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

Social Media and Real life

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.

why am I working on Labor Day

I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect

Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?

MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president

5: what happens if I turn 150?

W: you die

Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.

{first day in prison}

Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

“What?”
– Jude