If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
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I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting