If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
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What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
How do you like your Corgi?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup