I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
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Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!
I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.