@ilovepie84

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

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@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.

@lecalabara

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

@DanRather

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

@mom_ontherocks

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

@iGreenMonk

When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young!!

@misfarber

I often confuse reptiles and amphibians. Actually, if I’m being brutally honest, they pretty much never know what I’m talking about

@AbbyHasIssues

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

@joejwest

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

@OctopusCaveman

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

@KendellMadden

“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.