Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun

13: it’s only fun because she’s old

This will never not be funny to me.

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.