Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*

“Dammit”

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super