If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend