Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

what’s the point then??

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’

Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!

Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

then why did i get this email