Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!

My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

I can’t stop watching this.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 goose

Looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?

M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!

It’s like she didn’t want a tip.

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.

Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.

Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”