If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
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dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.