Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.