Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?

I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

[Olive Garden]

Me: *walks in*

Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.

Me: Huh?

Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

me: I’d like one mcdouble please

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen