if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“FOUND ‘EM!”
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.