if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
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Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Sounds like a real hoot.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
translated into Canadian
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”