if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!