Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.

15: Ok

Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.

15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.

You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough

COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–

GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs

When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!

ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly

[later]

ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

GROOT: I am Groot.

TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?

GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.

TEACHER: Yes, you may.

ME: I’ve been depressed lately

DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability

ME: what

DOCTOR: what

Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.