Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Reminder:

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up

What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas

New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it

T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all

[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius