If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
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Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Fight
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river