If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
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If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Yup….perfect score!
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*