If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
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My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
A ghost story
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Good dog. ❤️
It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find