If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
![]()
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
![]()
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?