If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
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Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
oh u like geography? name every lake
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
*jazz hands*
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
I love texting my boyfriend
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people