If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
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A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*