If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
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Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉