If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
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FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
