If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
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when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Bless you
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.