If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
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*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Air conditioning – not a fan
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird