If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
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The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Wake me when AI does housework
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I march to the beat of my own dumb