Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?

Wife: Ew, gross.

Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.