If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus