Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away

[Date]

Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

Can we not just call it Zealand now?

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil