Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?

me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.

narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.

Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.

Then they finished in eight.

It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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