Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

sin harder.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself