Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

🤣🤣🤣

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

BETRAYAL

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television

Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day