Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

this could fix me

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

me: hey watch out for the poison ivy

friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.

If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]

Thug: This is an arm robbery!

Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?

Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

The Birdles

new record!