Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.

I’m giving up ice.

That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it