If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
You Might Also Like
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.