Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

School be like

I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

HER: I love how we always finish each other’s

HIM:

HER:

HIM:

HER: Marriages

I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

I’m not sorry.

#MeanwhileInCanada

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it