Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

When you put it that way… 😂

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

🤣🤣

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.