Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eaten

Wife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying me

Wife: I Love You
Me: I already ate

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.

Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING