Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

Believing everything you read on the internet is the key

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

Swedish for common sense.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan

I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes

My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”

i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized